My Cracked Butt

Okay, so everyone's butt has a crack in it; but, mine has a special one...well, at least according to the X-Ray. That's right folks, my ass has been officially broken by my toddler. Yep, I had to go to the hospital last night because I was seriously in so much pain from driving him to speech therapy yesterday, that I knew I'd been beaten by this butt injury and had to hang my head in shame and explain to a doctor that my rear hurt. Ugh!

Bryon thought I was being a baby and couldn't for the life of him figure out why I was going to the doctor at all, let alone the hospital, for a bruised butt. Still, going to the doctor would mean driving forty minutes each way for an ordered X-Ray...the fifteen minute drive to speech therapy had me in tears after sitting in the car. Stop lights made me want to SCREAM!!!

So, I broke down and called our personal pixie-fairy-angel saviors (The Roach Family) and asked them for help. Neal came and watched Collin after he went to bed so I could brave the E.R. I figured a fifteen minute drive coupled with the comfort of lying prone on a gurney for the eons it would take them would be better than the drive time the next day.

I was right. I got fastracked because I was a broken bone. Weeee! And yes, I had to explain to everyone that my butt hurt and that it hurt badly. And yes, everyone laughed at me. They tried to pawn it off as laughing with me, but I knew better. Hey, wouldn't you laugh at the grown woman who slammed her butt into the stairs and broke it? I mean really, who can't take care of her own butt?

So, off to X-Ray in an all too gorgeous butt-revealing gown. They wouldn't let me walk, which ticked me off because I didn't want to sit in the chair. Grrrr. More sitting. Alas, it was quick. The doctor came in with a flourish quickly after, chuckling of course saying only and exactly: "You're butt's broken!" I wonder if he worked on that one?

So, apparently I wasn't being a baby. Take that, Bryon! The doctor says that it's especially painful to break your tailbone because you can't get away from the pain. If you broke your arm, you wouldn't lay on it, like you sit on your butt. If you broke your leg, you wouldn't walk on it, but you stand all the time, putting weight on your tailbone. So, you can't get away from constantly putting pressure on the break. Ouch.

He let me see the X-Ray and gave me a copy to take home. It was stunning really. The bottom third of my tailbone is just floating there in space. It's quite something. Oh yeah, and there's some rogue poop waiting to come out too. I learned that by asking, "hey, what's that stuff over there?" So, I also learned not ask questions about your X-Rays. Which, also led to more prescriptions, for stool softeners...because you know what...it hurts to go when your butt's broken. Bet you wanted to know that, didn't you?

So, since there's no cast for a broken butt, I was sent home with an embarrassing inflatable donut and Vicodin. Wheee! Apparently, the doctor pitied me or really knew how much pain I was in because the Vicodin he gave me was super strong. I have experience with narcotic pain relievers from my headaches and I usually have a pretty high tolerance. Well, I broke down and took some last night so I could finally get some relief. Let me tell you, I got some relief and then some. I almost forgot my tailbone was broken for a while there and I was also pretty sure that I was the first lady of France.

Now, it's only two more days until Bryon comes home and I expect full butt-kissing from him for not believing my butt hurt and for acting like I was being a baby and I think presents are in order. No previous presents and kindness can be used as payment. Broken bones require serious butt kissing, don't you think?

Oh yeah, and even though it was clearly Collin's fault that my butt is irreparably damaged, I've decided not to sell him to Gypsies.