The Bionic Woman

So, the next time I tell anyone I'm planning on spending an evening locked away from my precious baby, smack me upside the head. Apparently, the stars, the heavens, whatever, heard me and decided that they'd punish me for such an outlandish promise. Instead, they decided to take me away from my snuggle kid, my sweet smile-boy, my baby, my son for two nights and two full days. Yep, I was in torture-sick h-e-double-hockey-sticks.

See, I knew I was going to have to prep for the next of my tummy tests. That went without saying. What I didn't know was that on Saturday night, the night I was supposed to get to go out with my girlfriends to dinner and a movie, was that I'd have an attack of my tummy-itis that would require me to embarrassingly tell my ride that I was in dire need of a ride home. Yep, and that I'd be spending that ride home clutching my stomach and trying not to moan and instead, carry on a normal conversation. Gee, I hope they figure out what's wrong with my tummy. Oh yeah, and I had the makings of a migraine that the devil himself fashioned for me. You don't know embarrassment until you have made unladylike noises in a movie theater bathroom stall and THEN had to go tell your girlfriend that you need to go home before it gets even WORSE! And then, hope that you don't do it in her car!

By the time I got home, I pretty much thought I was dying. This was Saturday, tummy cleanse on the horizon for Sunday. I stayed in bed with ice packs around my temples, praying for relief of any kind, stocking my noggin with happy drugs and watching my go-to feel better DVDs...yes, it's the Golden Girls. There, now you know my secret lameness. And, I felt sorry for myself because I heard my sweet boy yelling "Mama! Mama?" He was looking everywhere for me. Occasionally, he'd punctuate his searching with "Night Night." Apparently, it'd been explained to him. Awwwwww.

Daddy brought him in on occasion for a quick kiss and a hug and I loved it. His smile lit up the room. But, it made him cry to have to leave. Me too! Me too! I can't believe how much I miss him when he's gone, even when I am physically unable to care for him!

Alas, Sunday rolled around and I had to start my liquid only diet. Weeee! That did not help with the migraine. Let me tell you! Soup broth and Jell-O do not fill you up unless you are Giselle or some other supermodel with one name. Anyway, By Sunday night, cleanse medicine time, I'm pretty sure that AC/DC was playing a concert just for me in my temple and I was ready to trade my life for just five minutes of relief. Alas, it was not to be. And, I was just getting started on the torture scale for my body. And, I didn't even get to be with Collin!

But, by Monday, I got to go pick up my camera and belt. I was told I would be swallowing this tiny capsule that contained a camera that would take pictures of my insides. It would transmit the pictures to a belt that I would wear for eight hours, that I would then return to the doctor's office. I was also told I'd be allowed to eat again four hours after swallowing the capsule. Apparently, I was wrong! No eating while the capsule is in! Only broth and Jell-O! WHAT!!!! Two days of broth and Jell-O! Are they trying to kill me!

The capsule is approximately the size of a Honda Civic but it's pretty cool looking. It's got it's own little flashlight in it that is actually on when you swallow it. It's kind of hard to swallow something that's lit up. Your brain is saying--NO! NO! NO! Don't swallow the Christmas light! But, you get it down. And the belt that I was told I'd be wearing, well, let's just say it was NOT a belt. It was connected to about a million leads strapped to my chest and stomach and on a vest/suspender contraption and to a large computer on my waist. I felt like a cross between the bionic woman and one of those guys who moves appliances.

I'm so glad I asked Bryon to stay home that day to help with Collin because there's no way I would've been able to deal with him with that thing. It never would've survived roving toddler hands, pulling the wires out from under my shirt. Besides, migraine plus two days of no food equals near fainting from pain. By the time I turned in the computer at four p.m. on Monday, I could barely stand. I ate an entire roll of rice cakes on the way home. I figured crackers would be the best first thing since they were mild.

But, today I get to be with Collin again. He's my little helper today. Supposedly, I'm supposed to "see" the camera capsule today. I doubt I will but we'll see. If it doesn't come out today, I'm supposed to call the doctor and they'll order an X-Ray to make sure it's not stuck somewhere in inner-space. Won't that be fun? I'm so excited for someone to go exploring for it. It's not as gross as it sounds, it'd be surgery...even less fun. But still. And, no I'm not making him help me look for the camera!

All in all though, all I can say is that this whole thing has made me fantastically in love with my husband who has brought me all of my medicine spot on time, brought me soup and made me Jell-O. He hooked a walkie-talkie to his belt so I could ask him for refills of water and ginger-ale without having to shout from upstairs, or I could even ask him to come switch the DVDs without getting out of bed! It has made me realize how much I adore my son because in two days of seeing him for seconds at a time, I missed him so much that it physically hurt. And, I love my friends because they didn't laugh at me when I had to leave the theater and instead felt sorry for me for having to be uncomfortable. I have a pretty great life, even if it seems to be located in the pooper every once in a while.