Bite Me

Never look a gift horse in the mouth, right? That's what I've heard. But, I think it should be revised for mothers of teethers to state: never stick your fingers in a teething baby's mouth. Both for the obvious reason of not getting your fingers chomped off, but secondly because why the heck is it so darn important to know, just this darn second what is going in in there?

My theory, since Collin has started suspiciously drooling as an infant, has been that he'll eventually get his teeth, so why bother checking. I decided this after pinning him to the ground and prying his mouth open began to feel like child abuse and what I was able to deduce after such episodes was the following: I'm not sure, or; It could be a tooth. I was always left with the same knowledge I started with, a freaked out kid and fried eardrums from the shrieking.

Thankfully, the kid normally doesn't act like he's teething. All of the sudden, during a tickle fest, or worse, during a shriek-a-thon, during which his mouth is open especially wide, I'll notice a new tooth hanging out where there was formally a blank space and go, "huh, that's new." That's how I discover he must've been teething. I rack my brain and try to remember if he was a particular pain to live with anytime prior and usually he wasn't and I count myself lucky.

Thus, I've committed a sin and bragged about this trait in my child. And, as such, he's been a pain the last few days and I've violated my policy. I've jabbed my fingers in his mouth and felt what I can deduce are potential lumps all over the place. As far as I can tell, he MIGHT be getting 267 teeth at this very moment, including the dreaded two-year molars.

The two-year molars, according to most mommies are the worst and apparently competitive. I've talked to some moms who claim their kids are born with them, and I've rarely met a mom willing to admit that their kid dared to wait until age two to acquire them, let alone beyond. Apparently, two-year molar is either a misnomer or a suggestion. I think they might ask you when your kid got them on preschool applications. It's a blank, right alongside when he potty trained, what kind of car you drive and if you use organic diapers.

Meanwhile, I am jealous he can cry and whine and all we, as parents do, is try to fix it and figure out the cause. Can you imagine that treatment if you behaved that way? I wish I could just mope and whine because the pimple I have on the INSIDE of my nose is so swollen that it's actually cutting of my oxygen supply and I think it's made me gain a pound due to it's bulk; but, I'm a mom and I have more important things to do, like pin my child to the floor and jam my finger in his mouth.