Some Numbers

Weeks left in what is supposed to be the hardest semester of my life: 5

Number of major assignments left: lets just break that down shall we?

*Large Presentation in which I have to lead the entire class in critical discussion of a Renaissance play

*Small Contextual Presentation (which I did on Thursday) about Meteorology in the Renaissance

*5 Page Paper comparing The Changeling to any other Renaissance play we've already read (or, to any Shakespeare play we already knew--because apparently, some of us are smart enough to pull them out of our hats--Good ol' Will is not my forte).

*TEACHING (YES!--OH my FREAKING GOD!) an undergraduate Chaucer class. My advisor wants me to teach the day they are reading the Prioress's Tale and go over the complicated presentations of Jews in Middle English manuscripts. There could be an entire graduate level course in this. I'm freaked. It is literally going to be an entire chapter of my thesis. I'm panicked. I know why he's asking me to do it, but boiling it down to a little handout is scaring me. And, standing up in front of a classroom and talking about anything, let alone something I'm expected to know about is scaring the shit out of me.

*20 Page Paper on the function of medieval monstrosity
 (let's not forget the 10 source annotated bib that goes with that--due before it of course)

*20 Page Paper on an open topic for Renaissance which I've wisely chosen to be be wildly difficult: Concepts of how the Renaissance audience transitioned viewpoints of Fortune and Contemptus Mundi

*5 Page Paper: Summating Critical Sources for said 20 Page Paper

*10 Page Paper on what I'm calling Sexy Beowulf (basically, why filmmakers take tiny bits of the Anglo-Saxon and glorify it for the movie versions)

*20 line supporting translation of the original Anglo-Saxon Old English Beowulf

*10-20 Page Thesis Prospectus: Have I mentioned I need this to graduate??

All told, that's what: approx 95 pages of written work and about two hours of presentations to prep for? No sweat, right?

So, this is what my kitchen table looks like on Saturday.

Note the 3" binder that has the start of my thesis sources. Those are the ones listed in my prospectus so far. My thesis advisor and I are hoping that will be enough sources to satisfy the panel we've selected. Seriously. And yes, I've read every, single. one. of. them. The big honking book on top too.

There are also, crazily enough, three copies of Beowulf there. I got into a ten minute "discussion" with Bryon last night about why they are distinctly different and why a person might need three copies of Beowulf. He remained unconvinced. I shall not rehash it here for you and just state that I'm right. Since my only class, other than my thesis next semester is a seminar in simply: Beowulf, I will stand on my point.

The other books are all research materials for the various papers and projects.

Last semester, Jen will attest to my "handling" of stress when she saw me at Thanksgiving. My jaw was so locked that I couldn't chew my mashed potatoes. This semester, my jaw is tight, yes. But, with let's say infinitely more stress, I'm doing better. I'm coping. Why? I don't know. Maybe because there's no choice? Maybe because I have to. Maybe because at some point I looked at myself and had a talk and said, why are you doing this?

I came up with an answer and realized that this was my future. When they tried to tell me I couldn't, something snapped inside me. I saw myself sitting in Ilan's (my thesis advisor--oh and this is him, by the way--watched it again this week and I couldn't look at him the next day)

position one day and I realized, that is what I want. It is a passion that I can work at forever. I feel lucky to have found it and I can see myself with a big old Ph.D after my name one day. This is just a step.

So, while I might be tired for five more weeks, or five more months, it doesn't matter. And while my kid seems to keep getting sick every single weekend and making it harder and harder to do this and while the dog throws up on the carpet and while the dishes are always dirty and while I wonder if I forgot to change my underwear, I keep cranking out A's and proving that bitch who tried to tell me "no," wrong.

My only question: how is it humanly possible to get that much work done in only five weeks? Do you think I will survive? Oh and if there are any weird mistakes or grammatical errors in this post, I don't give a flying frick. I'm updating a bunch right now for the sake of speed and requests of birthday and other pics and as you might see, I'm pressed for time.