Dirty Laundry

I must know if my kid is the only one out there that is weird. So, here's some of his little foibles. Anyone else out there with these oddities?

1. If he gets at all wet, and I mean even a sprinkling from a passing thought of someone maybe thinking of perhaps sneezing, six miles away, he takes off all his clothes in order to let them dry. So, of course, if he drips on himself while he is drinking from a "big boy" cup, all bets are off and he's half naked most of the day. We all know what rationalizing with a three year old is like, and telling him that his shirt will dry even if it's on his body, is pretty much like dismantling the Great Wall of China one brick at a time. At least I've gotten him to stop requesting a new shirt every time one gets wet.

2. While the child has been potty trained longer than I can remember, he's pretty insistent that standing to pee is off limits. Period. He'll only do it if I force him. Or, if I trick him by putting something in the toilet for him to aim at, and he's becoming suspicious of that. Damn, the jig is up. I thought boys were supposed to like aiming that thing? And touching it? Isn't aiming it just a chance for touching? What's the deal with my kid? Taking everything off to pee is getting old. He's starting to tell me that he has to poop every time he goes in there to pee, just so he can sit. What's more, he actually squeezes out a teensy, weensy little bit of poop, just to prove me wrong when I say, "yeah, right." Honestly, a little switch goes off when they turn three and they become thinking machines!

3. He's pretty sure the world of counting stops at the number eleven. He asks us what numbers are beyond eleven and we tell him. We count together. He counts. It's amazing. He's really good. Yet, when he gets to eleven, he just says, "eleven, eleven, eleven, eleven..." you get the idea. Sometimes, he goes on from there after a while and says, "fifteen, sixteen, etc." I'm pretty sure he has a short circuit. I tried taking him to the Geek Squad but they said his software wasn't compatible with Vista. Stupid Vista. No one likes it.

4. He's obsessed with cutting. No, I don't mean the teenage angst, leave a scar on your arm kind of cutting, I mean the cutting up paper into teeny, tiny little scraps so small that every time he does it, I need to pull out the vacuum (have I mentioned I love my Dyson?). I had to buy him new scissors today because he misplaced his other ones and losing scissors in this house is as upsetting as a death. Apparently, letting your three year old cut without hawk-like supervision is weird, but he has only cut his finger once and it was really small. Of course, no cut is too small for a band aid when you are three! He is so focused and intent that I could probably go on vacation and leave him safely cutting for days. Hey, there's an idea! Headline: Mother in Aruba, Child left with Scissors and Back Issues of US Weekly.

5. He is also currently obsessed with learning to tell jokes. Why do kids try to do this? They are terrible at it. It's awful. Painful. I'm married to the punster champion of the world. I fell in love with him because puns are funny. Kids don't get puns. Kids are even worse at delivering them. Case in point:

Collin: When is a door not a door?
Mommy: When?
Collin: When it's open part way (Cue his adorable plea for laughter face)

Beautiful, right? I think he means, when it's ajar. Get it? Someone obviously explained what ajar meant and he used that as the takeaway instead of the punchline. Poor kid. Poor Mommy. Poor everyone who's had to hear that joke ten thousand times for the last few days. Then, of course, when he does get it and tells it properly, you've got to put on your best pretend hilarious laughter, because, c'mon mom, that's funny stuff, right?