Agony: Defined

I've been getting lots of variations on this question lately:

"When do you find out about grad school?"
"You haven't heard yet?"
"When did you apply? Wasn't it months ago?"

So, here's the skinny on the whole process: basically, it's pretty terrible. It's agony for a few reasons; namely, it's this way because it's more competitive than anyone can possibly imagine, it's seemingly random, and because it all boils down to hopeful students being at the mercy of academia (which we know moves at the speed of evolution).

Firstly, the competition: I know that you all love me and think that because I've gotten everything I've ever applied for, that this is just "Rachel panic," and that it's not really anything to worry about. Well, I've got news for you all, this is, by far, the most competitive thing I've ever attempted to get into. For example, UVA, my top choice, typically gets anywhere from 100 to up to 4-500 applicants a year. It's considered the "ivy league" of public education (I'm not making this stuff up--Wikipedia it, even they know these basic facts--I aim high, no?). They let in around 12 PhD candidates each year. That's right, 12. Go ahead, do that math, because I can't. According to my GRE math score, I actually can't.

*P.S. While I know I would never get into Harvard (the real Ivy League), I actually did look at their program, and I made a conscious decision against it because it relied too heavily on Latin-based texts. Not my bag. Still, it made me feel good to reject Harvard. That's how I'll remember it, and it's how I expect you to remember it too.

Not to worry, GW, my second choice (only because it means Collin doesn't have to switch schools, if I get in there--not because it's actually my second choice; in a perfect world, it's my first choice by leaps and bounds), is actually on par with Harvard, Yale and the like. Oh, and it's a private school, which makes tuition beyond unbelievably expensive. Even with grants and the GI bill, we may have to eat Top Ramen for five years. Competition there? Whoa. Don't even get me started. They get more applications than UVA for roughly the same number of spots. They have a really famous Medievalist in their department, my favorite Medievalist in fact (does it make me nerdy to have one?), and his existence there alone garners lots of applicants who want to work with him (I'm not exception). It's like rock star groupies, only for nerds.

Which brings me to competition at Catholic; this is the least competitive of the three schools, but still an incredibly competitive one to get into. Why? Because not only do they have a great Medieval Department for literature, they are known for their Medieval History Department. They are an amazing choice, if I can get past all the priests skulking about the campus for seminary. It's also the only school that point-blank asks, on the application, "religious affiliation." I decided to put, "N/A" instead of "I don't believe in your nonsense, but I'll take some wine." Oh, and if this is my only option, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be sick the day that the whole campus participates in the Pro-Life protest. Either way, they also get into the hundreds of applications, for about the same amount of spots as UVA.

For all three of these applications, at least one person told me, "are you sure you want to do this?" Apparently, this is something, I've learned, that everyone is told during their application process. It's an incredibly soul-crushing thing to be told, as you embark on this ridiculously difficult thing to even attempt (let alone the actual education part!). Each time, it made me cry and doubt myself, but I persevered, and completed the 100+ page application packet for each school. Hitting "send" on the packet literally made me feel sick to my stomach, because that was it; no going back. That was November 19th. NOVEMBER 19th!

UVA's applications were due December 15th. GW and CUA have open enrollment, which means that they take (typically) 4-6 weeks, upon receipt of an application, to reply. Pshaw! Clearly, it has been three long months. Three horribly long months.

In that three months I have received four deceptively thin envelopes from CUA telling me various inane things like my file was complete, or that my letters had been received, or that I'd been assigned a student number to check my application. Seriously, I'm surprised I made it from the mailbox to the house without having a coronary with each one. Other than that, there's been nothing. Is this normal?

Yes. Apparently, from massive amounts of research, I have discovered that 4-6 weeks is like when people tell you that you might gain between 15-30 pounds when you are pregnant. It's an insane range, and you may gain 75 lbs (Jessica Simpson). There's an awesome website where people like me post their admissions results daily, so you can see if the schools you've applied to have started sending notifications, and it's just you that hasn't heard (which would be a bad sign--or, good depending). It's saving my life, because I know that despite my not having heard a word yet, no one else has either. No one. Not a single notification from the English Department at any of the three schools that I applied to. Phew.

Why would it be good to not hear, when others have? Well, it's sort of like being second string. The school sends out its first round picks, and because most people have applied to multiple schools, they have to decide which offer to accept (if they've gotten more than one). When they refusals come back, the schools have "extras" to hand out to the next round. So, if you didn't get rejected in the first round, but you know the first round was already notified, it's a good bet to hang in there, your day may still come. It's more agony, but it's still possible!

So, what makes the decision? Who the flip knows? There's tons of stuff out there to "help" you apply and put your best face forward, but in the end, it seems as much a crapshoot as anything else. There's all kinds of stuff about the school being a good "fit" for you, and vice versa; as in, I shouldn't apply to a school that has a strong American Lit Department, but only one Medieval professor. But, in the end, it seems like luck half the time. Each package has a general GRE score (blergh!), usually the subject area GRE score (double blergh...seriously, I did horribly on this), writing sample(s), letters of reference, a statement of purpose (hardest thing I've ever written), and all kinds of little things (transcripts, CV, etc). Talking to friends through the process, someone will get into one school and then rejected from another; meanwhile, someone they know gets into their rejection school with an inferior package in all respects. It's incredibly frustrating, because while you sit here agonizing, and wondering if your package is perfect, it may not make a lick of difference.

Additionally, you wait. And wait. And wait. I've been close enough to the world of academia for long enough now to know that professors are busy people. They are teaching, dealing with difficult students and trying to write their own papers for publication. So, when these packages come down the pipe, they don't have tons of time to read them. So, their department chair probably drops hundreds of them on the desk and says, "two weeks," which turns into six. And so on. Meanwhile, us poor, hopeful students, are running to the mailbox, or checking our email inboxes sixteen thousand times a day for an update to our online application, all in vain.

So, that's what this is like. Yes, I applied three months ago. No, I don't know if I've gotten in. No, I have no idea what my chances are, but they aren't good; but, neither are anyone else's! The only ding in my application's armor is my GRE scores (did I mention...blergh!).

This is what my day looks like lately:
-Wake up--immediately roll over and check my email before I get out of bed to see if any admissions offices did a batch process email overnight, telling students to check their application status
-Get up--get online and check all my applications anyway
-Pretend that I'm done--really, I'm not; check gradcafe to see if anyone got notified since I went to bed
-Go on about my day with an ear trained for the mailman--CUA notifies via mail, so I attack the mailman every day.
-Continue with  my day--Go online about lunchtime and check gradcafe for results again
-Review the admissions pages for all three schools--AGAIN. Agonize over the fact that some say 4-6 weeks and UVA says Jan-April for decision notifications.
-Get ready for bed--Go online and check my applications and grad cafe

Anyway, that's the reality of the situation. If anyone wants to send something in the mail, in the next few weeks, please don't send large envelopes. You're killing me. Every large envelope is like a heart attack waiting to happen; I can't take another false alarm (I'm looking at you Fredericksburg Academy admissions packet and Clinic paperwork!). And, if you want to send a hug, go ahead. Anyway, this was a long babbling update, but I thought I might give you the info because it feels good to vent! This is very, very, very, VERY stressful. I told Bryon the other day that waiting for this is like someone telling you that someday soon, you will either be greeted with the best Christmas-like day of your life, or you will be hit by a bus; but, you don't know which and you don't know when.