On This Day

Those of you regulars may know that today is an anniversary of sorts (six years now). So, it can't go by without a bit of marking and a bit of soapboxing. Take a moment today, a lot of moments if you can, to remind anyone, everyone that you care about that you do; not for your sake, but because you just never know how much they understand and feel your love and how much they truly need to feel it. It may sound grim but on a dark day in someone's life and in moments of sadness that are so bleak we may not ever understand it, those reminders are what could mean the difference. It's something we can never go back and say when we wish we had. Never, ever underestimate how much you'll wish you had told someone you loved them and wonder if it is those words that might've made the difference before receiving a phone call that they are gone.

So, David here's a list of things I wish I'd said, because I'm sure you stalk my blog and me in your afterlife (yeah, atheists can believe in afterlife if they so choose):

1. I care about you. I love you. I was here. A thousand times. I was here. Here. Here. Right here. Noon. 3 a.m., I was here.

2. I am thankful everyday that the last thing I said to you was, "I'm proud of you;" but sad that I didn't hug you harder and that I didn't say, "and, I love you."

3. I am sorry that I pushed you down on Halloween and forsake your life for my own at that haunted forest thing when the chainsaw guys were after us. When you screamed about you having thought I broke your leg, I should've come back for you. Sorry about that. I'm glad your leg wasn't broken. It wasn't even a flesh wound.

4. I'm sorry that I tricked you into eating that almond that I threw behind your file cabinet after having sucked all the chocolate coating off. That was really gross and also really funny.

5. I'm sorry that I was too prudish in my youth to find it hilarious when you threw a double-ended black dildo at my head. Where did you get that thing? At least my boyfriend thought it was funny.

6. I'm sorry that when you were too drunk to show up on time for my birthday, instead of realizing what was really going on, I was angry at you for three weeks.

7. I'm sorry that when you called me for help one morning, too drunk and sick to help you into the office that I didn't take you to the hospital, to rehab again, something. Instead I listened to your begging and took you to work.

8. I'm sorry that I didn't know better.

9. I'm sorry that once, I bought you Jaeger.

10. I'm sorry that I made fun of your friends. They are good people, even if they had stupid names like Taffi and Bambi (I'm sure they aren't doomed to adult industry jobs, really). I've never met truer and sweeter people, even if it was at a funeral.

11. I'm sorry I didn't learn more from you and I didn't teach you better.

12. I'm sorry I didn't call you every month, week, day, hour after I left for Alabama, then California.

13. I'm sorry that you didn't know the words to AC/DC "Dirty Deeds" and that every time it comes on, I pass on that some idiot I once knew thought it was "dirty deed and the thunder chief," because honestly, how can I not make fun of that forever? That should live on in infamy.

14. I'm sorry that no one but me seems to visit your grave.

15. I'm sorry that I argued with you for months about who sang "Mr. Roboto." Not sure why we didn't just look it up instead of waiting for it to come on that Internet radio thingie. I defer, you were right. And yes, everyone should know that it was, in fact Styx. I'm an idiot.

16. I'm sorry I am such a bad shot with rubber band flicking and that you got hit in the eye way more times than anyone deserved.

17. I'm sorry I cried the time you told me I had fat thighs but other than that, I was pretty skinny. But come on dude, what were you thinking?

18. I'm sorry that half of my thoughts of you now are sad. It's hard to push the balance the other way most of the time.

19. I'm sorry that no one gets how hilarious all of our inside jokes are. I mean, "just calm down, baby" and "stop cow, stop!" That's good stuff. Makes me laugh even now.

20. I'm sorry you are gone. Not a day goes by where I don't think of you and what you could be doing now. I miss you. And in case you forgot from #1, I love you. You were and are my friend and you are gone.

Oh yeah, and thanks for measuring the perfect sample size "M" for the cashmere company we worked for all those years together so that we have so many terrible pictures of you in ridiculously awful colored, yet oh so comfy sweaters, some of which you'd never be caught out in public in, but one of which you were buried in. And thanks for taking your GQ job so seriously that it was funny, despite the fact you knew they were going to cut your head off in all the factory spec shots and only needed your chest. Nerd.