Dirty Collin

Maybe my mind is in the gutter lately because I've been doing a lot of focusing on my butt. But, as of late, Collin has developed some very distressing habits that I find to be on the naughty side...not the "time out" naughty side; but the Hugh Heffner naughty side of the street. Of course, he's 20 months old, so he doesn't know he's being naughty, per se, but still, it's hard not to chuckle, at least a little.

Low Bridge

One of his favorite games is spreading the legs of the nearest standing adult apart...WIDE apart and running underneath them. This game was discovered when Mr. Hottie pants was around. Don't ask me to explain the connection he made between running amok between his legs. It's just fact A that he likes the game and fact B that he also used those legs. Anyhoo, his head comes up to about crotch level to most adults, so he's obviously scalp dragging on most people's naughty bits. It's awkward to say the least. Enter "naughty" story of the day.

He loves, loves, loves hanging out in the bathroom when I shower. I figure if you are under two, you kind of don't need to worry about your kid seeing you naked, right? Anyway, apparently, we needed to play "Low Bridge" immediately after I took my towel off and BEFORE I put my underwear on. Go ahead and fill in the rest of the info for yourself. Suffice it to say, it involved a gentle hand on the head, some steering on Mommy's part, a box of legos, a little boy yelling "choo choo," and a Mommy trying to stand as high on her tiptoes as possible.

This is Collin playing "Low Bridge" with a much more unwilling particpant...Eddie.

Forking Socks

Collin's talking more. That's great. Fantastic. Wonderful. I'm over the moon. But, he's got a problem with a couple of words. Over the past few days, I've noticed a specific problem with "fork" and "socks." I'm pretty sure you can imagine for yourself what the problem with "fork" might be. It's not exactly intelligible as what you might think, but if misheard, yep, that's what it sounds like.

Socks on the other hand is "cocks." Every time, without fail, it's exactly, clear as a bell, just that. I have tried gently to correct it. But, I don't want to make a big deal out if it. Besides, I guess it is kind of funny. Every kid has their one word that's totally embarrassing, don't they? He's into labeling everything he sees that he can say right now, so if he sees anyone wearing "cocks," he makes sure to point them out right now too; so, we're definitely seeing a heck of a lot of "cocks" out in public and letting the whole world know, in a very excited tone that he sees them and likes them. I think it's a little early for us to know his preferences in "that" way, but still, what can I say, he likes his "cocks." Sorry, joke had to be made, didn't it? (I'm talking about tube socks, what are you guys thinking?)

Anyway, Collin is disturbing me today. And he's becoming a total gross boy too. After a three-minute snuggle-fest hug, which almost brought Mommy to tears, he burped in my face. Seriously. I put him in his crib, brought his face to mine, looked him in the eyes and said, "I love you, Peanut." He looked at me for a mini-second and then belched and giggled. Where do they learn this stuff? BOYS!

For good reason, I have no "good" pictures of Collin in his exploits today. I do have a picture of him watching "The Girls Next Door," and thinking, "I have to get me some of that." I told you, Hugh Heffner, right? Just kidding. I let him watch 20 min of Jungle Book this morning so I could sit on my butt pillow unmolested. For some reason, he HATES my butt pillow. He won't let me sit on it. He doesn't want to play with it or have anything to do with it; but he doesn't want me to have it either; so, I broke down and let him have some TV today. He thinks he won the butt lottery!

My Cracked Butt

Okay, so everyone's butt has a crack in it; but, mine has a special one...well, at least according to the X-Ray. That's right folks, my ass has been officially broken by my toddler. Yep, I had to go to the hospital last night because I was seriously in so much pain from driving him to speech therapy yesterday, that I knew I'd been beaten by this butt injury and had to hang my head in shame and explain to a doctor that my rear hurt. Ugh!

Bryon thought I was being a baby and couldn't for the life of him figure out why I was going to the doctor at all, let alone the hospital, for a bruised butt. Still, going to the doctor would mean driving forty minutes each way for an ordered X-Ray...the fifteen minute drive to speech therapy had me in tears after sitting in the car. Stop lights made me want to SCREAM!!!

So, I broke down and called our personal pixie-fairy-angel saviors (The Roach Family) and asked them for help. Neal came and watched Collin after he went to bed so I could brave the E.R. I figured a fifteen minute drive coupled with the comfort of lying prone on a gurney for the eons it would take them would be better than the drive time the next day.

I was right. I got fastracked because I was a broken bone. Weeee! And yes, I had to explain to everyone that my butt hurt and that it hurt badly. And yes, everyone laughed at me. They tried to pawn it off as laughing with me, but I knew better. Hey, wouldn't you laugh at the grown woman who slammed her butt into the stairs and broke it? I mean really, who can't take care of her own butt?

So, off to X-Ray in an all too gorgeous butt-revealing gown. They wouldn't let me walk, which ticked me off because I didn't want to sit in the chair. Grrrr. More sitting. Alas, it was quick. The doctor came in with a flourish quickly after, chuckling of course saying only and exactly: "You're butt's broken!" I wonder if he worked on that one?

So, apparently I wasn't being a baby. Take that, Bryon! The doctor says that it's especially painful to break your tailbone because you can't get away from the pain. If you broke your arm, you wouldn't lay on it, like you sit on your butt. If you broke your leg, you wouldn't walk on it, but you stand all the time, putting weight on your tailbone. So, you can't get away from constantly putting pressure on the break. Ouch.

He let me see the X-Ray and gave me a copy to take home. It was stunning really. The bottom third of my tailbone is just floating there in space. It's quite something. Oh yeah, and there's some rogue poop waiting to come out too. I learned that by asking, "hey, what's that stuff over there?" So, I also learned not ask questions about your X-Rays. Which, also led to more prescriptions, for stool softeners...because you know what...it hurts to go when your butt's broken. Bet you wanted to know that, didn't you?

So, since there's no cast for a broken butt, I was sent home with an embarrassing inflatable donut and Vicodin. Wheee! Apparently, the doctor pitied me or really knew how much pain I was in because the Vicodin he gave me was super strong. I have experience with narcotic pain relievers from my headaches and I usually have a pretty high tolerance. Well, I broke down and took some last night so I could finally get some relief. Let me tell you, I got some relief and then some. I almost forgot my tailbone was broken for a while there and I was also pretty sure that I was the first lady of France.

Now, it's only two more days until Bryon comes home and I expect full butt-kissing from him for not believing my butt hurt and for acting like I was being a baby and I think presents are in order. No previous presents and kindness can be used as payment. Broken bones require serious butt kissing, don't you think?

Oh yeah, and even though it was clearly Collin's fault that my butt is irreparably damaged, I've decided not to sell him to Gypsies.

Collin's "Painfully" Sweet

My little man injured me yesterday. He doesn't know that he did it; but he did it all the same. He actually injured me twice: once physically and once emotionally. I'm not sure which was worse. The physical injury still had me popping Tylenol and sitting on ice packs today; but the emotional injury may leave lasting scars...hmmmm.....Still, he tried to redeem himself today. I think.

Let's start with the physical pain. Collin likes me to accompany him, well everywhere. If I could climb into his skin with him, I think he'd like that. He also likes to do things like a big kid long before he is one, like walking upright down the stairs, which he's been doing for months, eschewing the on-the-bottom method. Still, he makes me hold his hand most of the time. It takes FOREVER!

I admit that sometimes I just leave him whimpering at the landing and get on with my life and meet him at the bottom. Hey, he makes it on his own! He doesn't actually NEED me. He just WANTS me and that's a big difference four zillion times a day! He forgets about the pain of abandonment by the time he gets to the bottom anyway. Hey, a Mom's got a life to lead, a house to vacuum and eggs to scramble, right?

Anyway, yesterday, he suddenly wanted to go down on his bottom and apparently it was paramount that I too go down on my bottom. No exceptions would be tolerated. He yanked my hand down so hard that if I didn't succumb to the pressure, I'm pretty sure that my arm would actually come off. So, I flopped onto the stairs, not paying attention to where I'd fall, just assuming I'd sit on a step.

WRONG-O! I edged against the back of a stair, slamming my tailbone into the back edge of the step. Ouch doesn't give enough credence to the pain. I didn't say any cuss words because I currently live with a parrot, not a child; but I thought all the cuss words you can imagine...TWICE, then some more. I might've even thought some in Japanese, German and French. And, I only know French.

I figured it'd hurt for a minute then I'd get on with life. Nope, it hurt ALL flipping day. It hurt all night. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sit. I couldn't walk without it shooting pain through my legs to my ankles. I couldn't laugh without it feeling like I might actually poop myself with a piece of bone cracking off the tail end of my tooshie. Nice, huh?

So, I got ready to go to book club that night and Collin decided to twist the knife. Babysitter time! I HATE leaving my son. I hate leaving him with anyone....ANYONE. No one is good enough for my boy. Daddy is barely good enough for my boy. But apparently, Collin has decided that these two amazing girls that I found are better than me. At least that's what I've deduced from his reaction to them when they came in.

Here, I'd braced him all afternoon for the fact that Gracie and Laura were coming to play and they were putting him to bed (yadda-yadda-yadda), he appropriately nodded and said, no he didn't want me to go bye-bye; I melted a little and felt good. When they came in, he jumped up and down, said: "bye-bye, mama!" grabbed their hands (one in each hand) and dragged them upstairs. He then turned around and blew me a kiss. What!!!!!!

That's it. I'm replaceable...by two teenagers. I trudged away, hobbling with my sore ass and went to book club. I sat in a soft chair and had to explain to my friends why I was disgruntled and shifting my weight around on my bony butt. My son had tried to kill me.

Okay, now to the good part...today, I decided that he tried to make it up to me. He made my bed for me! Yes, I know it sounds to good to be true. But, I went to the bathroom in the middle of making my bed...I couldn't hold it anymore!...and came back to find Collin trying to finish the job. Could that be any cuter? He was putting the pillows on the bed and saying "There! There!" just like I do when I show him what I'm doing. Awwww.

I snapped some pictures and then of course, oblivious to my sore butt, he wanted to sit on my lap and review the photos of himself. He is nothing if not vain. He wanted to take more, of his feet, his hands, his neck, etc. We're learning body parts these days. And, he then wanted to make amends with Eddie for something, I guess, so he chased him into his house, where he gave him lots of love....and no Eddie isn't about to eat him...he's yawning. AND, I got a half smile at breakfast this morning. I try all the time to get a good picture of him smiling. He's obsessed with the camera. He ignores it completely, or smiles for a second and then instantly wants to see the photo. So, I get no good pictures of him. He is weird about them. WEIRD, I tell you. But, I told him my butt hurt so please, please smile...this is what I got. Trust me, this is good. Every other good picture is an accident.

So, the end result of all this torture Collin inflicted on me is that he's super sweet and not cruel and unusual at all. Little does he know that all the lap-sitting he's inflicting on me today feels like daggers; but I won't give up a second of it for my life. Little does he know that that kiss he blew me was the bittersweet because he's learning not to need me and that is wonderful and awful at the same time and I want nothing more for him. I'm just glad that in my deranged mind, I can decide that he made my bed only for me, not because he's a monkey, imitating me. Ahhh, now I feel better.

By the way...can you break a tailbone? I swear, when I sit, even on my squishiest of pillows, I'm still seeing stars. Ouch!

Get A Haircut!

A very horrible thing occurred to me today. The very horrible thing was that there is a very horrible man roaming the streets of California and he should be stopped! Stopped I tell you!

We went to Disneyland again yesterday. I know, I know, we should just keep a place there, maybe in the castle or something. Anyway, we were in line at the Haunted Mansion (my FAVORITE!) and this guy leaned over and asked me:

"Have you cut his hair yet?"

Exhibit A: Collin's Hair as of yesterday...the time of said incident...Only he's on "It's a Small World" here, where we learn about peace, acceptance and understanding of one another...stupid guy!
I didn't take it personally at the time. In fact, I just laughed and played with Collin's hair and we had a friendly conversation about how I'm crazy and simply CANNOT do it. No! Bryon laughed and said how he values his marriage so he's not done it behind my back and then this man proceeded to tell us how he cut his son's hair as a present to his wife on Mother's Day, saving the first lock of hair on a frame. He kept sort of leaning in towards Collin, insinuating that this would be a good idea.

So, we went on about our way, having the fast pass to the front of the line and left this horrible, horrible man behind us. I went on about my life, playing with Collin's precious curls and forgot about him until today. Then it dawned on me...what a butthead!

Okay, Collin's hair is long. I get it. It's not THAT long. Yes, it goes over his ears on the sides. Yes, it's over his collar in the back. You know what though, it's not like it's in a ponytail. And, it's not over his eyes. And, hey I didn't say anything about the fact that your kid wanting to wear a football jersey so badly that it was so big on him, it looked like he was wearing a dress, did I? So back off, buddy!

Exhibit B: Collin at lunch. And, clearly happy with his hair!
I know I have to cut the kid's hair. I know it's imminent. I know that it will be sooner than later. I know. I know. I know. I just don't want to do it. I don't want to think of it. Our neighbors cut their son's hair a few weeks ago and he looks like he's nineteen now! He's only one! ONE!

Can't I go one more week with those sweet curls above his ears and at his neck? I'm pretty sure that he doesn't look like a hippie just yet. You be the judge.

Okay...so his hair looks a little "feathered" here. It works on Jon Bon Jovi doesn't it? Besides, I think it stayed out of his face long enough to eat that Churro piece in his hand...Okay, he didn't eat it. He held it.

This is Collin and Mommy outside the Haunted Mansion...before Mr. Horrible assaulted us with his words.

Stupidhead

No, I'm not calling you names. I'm mad at me. More specifically, I'm mad at my head. It's nearly eleven a.m. and this is the first time I've sat upright today, not counting the forty seconds I got up this morning, dragging myself on Bryon's arm to the potty with my eyes closed so I wouldn't barf. Yep, that's right, another migraine.

I should expect them this time of year. Usually from about Halloween until about New Year's, I get smacked with a fair number of bad, whopper ones. They just really suck. I tend to ignore them as long as humanly possible, pretending that my head isn't about to actually crack in half and spill my brains onto the carpet. Pretty much, I find this the best strategy because otherwise, I'd miss half the season lying on the couch.

But today, I'm going to wallow; because today I'm missing the tar pits! Bryon and Collin went anyway. I wouldn't hear of them staying home with me. There's no way I could ignore this one, it was too bad. Besides, I think I'm a little hopped up on pain meds and I'm so enamored with the tar pits, what if I actually tried to jump in! You never do know, right? People do silly things.

I tell you what though, I'm GOING to Disneyland tomorrow though. Hubby is leaving Monday for a week, then the following Monday for a week, then the following Monday he starts some class that keeps him extra late at work for a week; so we need some good family time.

I did get a feel better kiss this morning though. Mr. Collin came dashing in because he missed me and as soon as he saw me, he rubbed his little face against my hand draped over the side of the bed and then kissed it. Who teaches boys this kind of stuff? Seriously, it's so heartmelting. I'm pretty sure that the narcotics aren't what made my head feel better this time, it had to be the kiss!

Collin's Day of Holiday Torture

Hooray! The Christmas tree is up! I think I was looking more forward to that part of the season than anything else this year. But, Collin however decided that ornaments are just not his thing. He did put ONE ornament on the tree.

He dug through the box, found a cardboard circle ornament that came with our copy of "National Lampoon's Christmas" and decided that this was the ornament for him. Why we still have that ornament is pretty much a mystery to me; apparently, it's in our collection just for this moment, so my son could "help" decorate the tree. Never mind that I wanted a photo-op of him putting his first Christmas ornament on the tree...which I got, of him sort of tossing it AT the tree. Nonetheless, he put the Griswald cardboard up impeccably. Kids!

He did enjoy breaking one of Daddy's classic ornaments though. So, we got the Christmas gift of Collin's first guilt trip. It was pretty precious. We told Collin how he must be careful with the ornaments because look how sad it mad Daddy that it was broken. Daddy put on a very sad face and we talked about how important that ornament was. Oh boy, you should've seen that chin quiver and neither one of us had even raised our voices. His little eyes started to brim and I felt so badly! Hey, we got the point across because he was super gentle the rest of the day but jeesh! I felt like I killed Eddie in front of him or something.

It was such a fun time though. I can't tell you how special it is to do this stuff with my son and my husband...then, I didn't have to clean any of it up! I got to go out for more Mommy Time. I know, I know, what is up with that? I'm totally spoiled lately.

I went to another movie and more shopping. No, I didn't buy anything for me. I bought presents for my hubby. Just because presents too, not even Christmas presents. Pretty snazzy of me, I thought. He deserved them. But, when I came home, he showed me up because he'd decorated the rest of the house without me and did all the rest of the holiday work. Awwww. I'm going to miss him in December. Stupid TDYs!

So, tomorrow it's the Tar Pits! Weee! If you've ever visited me here, I've dragged you there. I cannot tell you how much I love that place. Bryon thinks they are stupid. He thinks it's just visiting stinky mud. I think it's the most awsome place in the state, Disneyland aside.

Oh yeah...more emotional torture today. I conned Collin into wearing his Baby's First Christmas Santa hat from last year by promising him a snack if he'd take a picture with me. Apparently, he's learning emotional bribery. Look below for how well it went. I think it was a smooth promise!

This is the, "I really HATE this hat" picture. So, mommy had fast thinking to do.....
This is the, "I'm considering your offer, Mommy" picture.

This is the, "Post photo-session" picture. We got a good one too. But, these were just too much fun. He wore the stupid hat for like half an hour after he got the Nutri-Grain bar!

What I'm Thankful For....

It's Gobble-Gobble Day. Hooray! You know what that means? It means that it's time to think of things that make me happy to be alive. So, here goes...in no particular order:

1. That I'm a fast reader...Yep, I'm DONE with "Twilight!" Hoorray. I'm BAAAAAACK to "normal." And yes, it was that good. And yes, I stayed up almost all night to finish that last 750 page monster last night. It was awesome. But, I'm glad it's over. I can breathe again. I am kinda crushing on the idea of being a vampire though. Although, I think the whole series since Saturday, is that some kind of record?

2. That I have the best husband on the planet. Who else would have allowed me to be such an absentee wife and mother for the past few days? Who else would've just brought me a sandwich while I typed this, just because he's awesome? Who else is so special to me that my heart pitter-patters sometimes when I think of him? Awwww, don't get all mushy on me now. Oh yeah, and that he's taking me to the Tar Pits tomorrow and Disneyland on Sunday (my two favorite places EVER) and letting me put the Christmas tree up on Friday. Do you think he's sucking up for something?

3. My son. Yep, okay if I had to rank, you all know where he'd be. Let's not mince words. We've all seen the pictures (even this one that makes him look like John Candy). There's no denying how great he is. Words, words, words...might as well just type blank, meaningless words because nothing else will describe him anyway, right?

4. That I live in California. I have to throw that in there, hoping that the great and powerful Air Force somehow hears me and senses that I hate the snow and cold. Please, please great and powerful Air Force, no more Ohio. Please.....(Besides, look what would happen if we move, my son would reverse age and become nine months old again!!! ACK!)

5. My Family. All of it. I have probably, the best, best, best in-laws, all of them, in the world. They even flew and drove all the way to Vegas and trashed it up for us to watch us get married at the Little White Wedding chapel a few years back. Cool, huh? They are all so special, kind and loving. And, my family is wonderful too. And, when I say family, I mean the "family" you build in the Air Force too...those friends that you build at every base that become your second family, the ones you can call on in the middle of the night when your kid has to go to the emergency room and your parents, the ones you'd normally call for just such a case, live 3,000 miles away. What would I do without that "family." I'm so thankful for them...all of them, scattered all over the country, and the world!

Okay, I'm mushing now. I should stop before I start to cry...which I never do. Bryon accuses me of having a cold, black heart about these things...Guess joke's on him when he reads this!!!

Enjoy your turkey...I will be having none because I HATE turkey! Another think to be thankful for; we're having steak too. Yumm.